For the first time in a very long time, Valentine’s Day was hard for me. For as long as I can remember, Valentine’s Day has always been my favorite holiday. I have always enjoyed it whether I was single or in a relationship. I guess it’s the hopeless romantic in me. 2014-2015 has been very shitty relationship wise. I broke with the man I thought I was going to marry…twice. If I’m being honest, I still love him and I’m not over him. Fast forward to last week…
This year I sent all of my friends cards. While shopping for the various cards, I kept get overwhelmed to point of tears. Several times, I had to fight the tears back. This wasn’t the only instance…I was simply having a hard time. In an effort to make myself feel better, I engaged in some retail therapy, got a mani/pedi and ventured into the world of eyebrow waxing. Nothing helped me…Yesterday, I did stupid little errands to try to ignore it but it didn’t help. Even today, I want to the bookstore…one of my favorite places in the universe…and got all crazy, teary-eyed there. UGH! I want this feeling to go away. I want to not be sad. I don’t want to have a broken heart. I want to be happy again…I want to believe in love again. I don’t want to turn into some middle aged, bitter woman who makes everyone sad because she is in a perpetual state of sadness.
It’s been a long time. We were starting to fix things. Go back to the way things used to be. I was headed out there at the end of this month. But today he drops a bombshell on me. Back in February, when we were at our lowest point, he cheated on me. Now, the woman is pregnant.
I am experiencing every emotion possible right now. Most of all I am extremely sad and hurt. So, so hurt. Barely breathing hurt. He was a liar…he IS a liar. But guess who paid the ultimate price.
So, he’s not coming to visit. Apparently after paying bills and such, he had no money to come see me. But miraculously, he has scrounged up enough money to go Vegas. All of his friends are going to lend him money and some other bullshit he tried to tell me. I’m am beyond pissed. I’m mainly hurt because this just shows that I don’t matter, not one bit. That everyone in fucking state of Oregon out ranks me…is more of a fucking priority than I am. I’ve done everything possible to make him a key player in my life but he has not done the same. So, I’m out…I’m done…I fucking quit. I can’t even address him right now because it would not be nice.
So when should a person stop fighting? I feel as though I’m fighting for us and he could care less. I just keep thinking that if I ride this out things will get better. But right now, I’m the one with bruised feelings.
Just when I thought we turned a corner, things seem like they are falling apart to me. Beginning in November, I knew that things would be rough for us because he was going to work a lot of overtime. Partly so that he could come see me and finally meet my family. But it seems to me that the communication has fallen way off.
He barely texts, but has time to post Bitstrips on FB. He sees my messages but it seems like he’s either ignoring them or takes forever to respond. But when we talk, we’re discussing houses, babies and marriage. I’m so confused. I get that LD relationships are hard…hell we’ve been at this for almost two years. My issue right now is that I just want to be in the know.
Back in October, we planned for him to come and visit this month. He said he was buying his ticket early in December. I told him to let me know when he had his ticket so that I could request days off at work. I’ve heard nothing from him. It is beyond frustrating. If he’s no longer, fine…just say so. When did we get to the place of not talking? I’m starting to think that I’m never going to be a priority as long as I’m another state.
About 3 weeks or so after the break-up, I get a text asking if we could have a phone conversation. I agreed. He basically said that he panicked under all of the stress and he made a mistake asking for the break up. He said it was never an issue of love because he never stopped loving me. While we are not technically back together, we are working towards that point. He was offered a wonderful educational opportunity through his job and will have to move. He asked me to consider moving with him. I never stopped loving him. Being with him was all I ever wanted. We will see what the future holds…
*This is going to be a ramble*
My head hurts, my heart hurts, my stomach hurts. Now that may seem a bit dramatic and over the top but that is exactly what I am feeling. If you asked me 6 months ago if I thought things would have ended up this way, I would have laughed at you. I probably would have been pissed off at you and called you a few choice names. In July we were discussing medical insurance because he said I would be on it soon and now…
Right now, I should be in Salem, OR beginning my new life with Oregon Cutie…but nope.
Life has caused his priorities to shift far from us building a life together. The reasons for our collapse are quite simple:
- His stress levels due to family illness and work
- The distance becoming too much for him
- His current inability to make me priority in his life
I did everything I knew to make this work and it wasn’t enough. I did everything to show him how much I loved him, but it wasn’t enough. He wasn’t happy and I was starting to become unhappy because I became an afterthought in his world. Our communication was getting less and less. So, what choice did we have? What choice did I have?
Now I am a mess. I am the wreck I never wanted to be. I can’t even wrap my head around this. How do things crumble so quickly? I don’t understand. I’m so hurt. He was it…he was my one…he was my penguin…he said that this was it. He said and now what? I keep doing the things you’re not supposed to do: reading old cards, reading old texts, listening to those songs. I’m a sad, pathetic cliche’ and it’s killing me. I’m not that chick but apparently I have become her…
Honestly, I’m not mad at him. If my Mother was sick, I would have scrapped our plans too, but I would not have quit on us. Now I have to tell people. People gave me going away gifts and were planning a party. Everytime I see someone they ask me about him and I just can’t form the words to say the truth. My heart is shattered. He put it back together last time. Now what?
So we did it. Kim and Brady are no more. It is no ones fault. It just happened. We had the saddest phone call I’ve ever had in my life. My heart hurts so much right now. I refuse to believe that we got things wrong. Life and 2300+ miles got in the way. I couldn’t continue to fight alone. That was very lonely and hurt so much. So now what? Just keep wading through the daily bullshit. I’m finished.
I would like to stop crying. I want to have the balls to do what needs to be done. But once again I feel like a failure. This time it is no ones fault, just decided to take a swing and we got hit in the gut. I just never win at this game.